How Respect Can Change Your Life

(Warning: extremely vulgar language to follow. If you can’t handle it, the back button is sufficient escape. Dear father, I’m still your little girl but, yes, those words seemed necessary.)

A PSA from yours truly (because it’s a bit of fun):

Alright boys and girls. Today, we are going to talk about respect because if it’s good enough for Aretha Franklin to demand it then it sure as hell is good enough for the rest of us, right? Re-spect. That’s r-e-s-p-e-c-t. Does anyone know what that means? No? Well, that just fucking figures, doesn’t it? Those lazy, good-for-nothing parents of yours have failed you in your early life but that’s okay. I’m here to help. Now, preschool seemed like a good time to explain this to you because, let’s face it, you’re surrounded by strange and ignorant little shits that will grow up to be a smoldering pain in my ass if I don’t so, here goes.

Class, what do you think happens if a grown up tells you to “be quiet” and “pay attention?” What’s that, Timmy? It means to run around in circles while screaming obscenities and offering animal sacrifices to your demonic lord? Well, that’s not the case, Timmy. It means to sit down and shut your fucking mouth before that grown up makes your life a living hell. That’s another, secondary, lesson for you today, kids because us grown ups really can make your life a living hell and, as a collective, we are becoming increasingly impatient with the group of kids that are a little older than you are right now. So, if I were you, I’d get the motherfucking hint because your leash is quite a bit shorter than theirs. Now, one of the most important things you need to remember about this portion of our lesson is that if you don’t stop and listen every once in a while then someone will end up going medieval on your ass and, no matter how much you think you know, you’re still just a bunch of whining, ignorant pussies that don’t know the difference between an actual boyfriend or girlfriend and your left hand.

The second part of our lesson has to do with something called boundaries. Little Suzie over there knows what I’m talking about. Don’t you, Suzie? Stop trying to lick Allison’s face now and fucking listen, you little cunt! See, when Maggie’s mom decides to ask me who I’ve been deep-throating lately I can tell her to get the fuck off my shit and shut her fucking mouth because boun-da-ries should tell her that it’s none of her god damn business. Is it, kids? This, also, doesn’t give you any fucking right to stand unnecessarily close to anyone in any situation and deposit your shit-stained breathe on the back of their neck. Boundaries means to back the hell up, stop asking shit that you need to know nothing about, and removing your pathetic ass from my life if I have asked you, repeatedly, to do so. I’ll say it again, it’s called boun-da-ries.

Alex! Get your finger out of your ass and pay fucking attention! I don’t care if you’re five years old and have two hundred friends on Facebook! It doesn’t mean that any of those people give any fucks about what your asshole feels like or that you had waffles for breakfast!

Lastly, kids, there’s this little problem you seem to be having with other people’s possessions. This is a little bit like boundaries but I feel that it needs it’s own emphasis because all you little shitheads seem to think that everything belongs to you. Let me tell you a secret, children; absolutely nothing belongs to you unless you fucking earn it. If you work your ass off, you can receive damn near anything you want. Valuables and a positive reputation do not come from underneath your couch cushions. However, there are some things that will never belong to you because, simply put, IT IS SOMEONE ELSE’S PROPERTY! Get off your ass and get your own shit. If you borrow something from someone else then you should, not only, return it in pristine condition but, also, put it back in it’s proper place.

If you live a life that hands out respect with every exhale then you will inhale an equal amount. If you don’t shut the fuck up and listen, back the fuck off when necessary, and work your fucking hardest to earn your own possessions and your own way then you will live in a miserable shit storm of endless mockery, paper cuts, and Sriracha-lime juice enemas because fuck you. Life does not reward the fool. No matter who the person is right next to you or what they represent, remember that there is not a single bone in your body that warrants a self righteous, cocksucker attitude. Be it a teacher, parent, police officer, firefighter, or little Timmy who’s picking his nose again, you need to learn right now how living with a high level of respect can change your fucking miserable little existence, children.

Now, go the fuck home. Ms. Atina needs a whiskey-induced nap.

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