Monthly Archives: October 2015

Fuck You, Pumpkin Spice!

Put simply, I hate pumpkin. Don’t worry. I have an explanation for this.

This time of year brings out the “Pumpkin Spice” everything. People are even saying that it is the one thing that lets us know that it’s truly fall. The one thing. As if the leaves changing color wasn’t a big ass hint. This pumpkin shit is in everything these days and I, whole heartedly, blame Starbucks. That damn Pumpkin Spice Latte ruined everything. Now, I’m all for a stupid gimmick to get me to buy something. It is my right as a consumer to fall into a pit of endless gimmickry. However, I only fall prey to the honest gimmicks. You know, the ones that deliver what they promise are the ones that induce drooling. If I go out of my way to purchase a Back To The Future trilogy set because it’s offering collectable miniature license plates then I expect to see some damn license plates. It’s a gimmick, sure but I enjoy my junk purchases. It makes me smile to see those plates perched atop my other junk purchases and just because Tyler Durden tells me that it’s slowly killing my soul doesn’t detour me from doing so. I enjoy the gimmick like any other consumer as long as it follows through. With that in mind, when I see Pumpkin Spice cookies there better be some form of pumpkin or spice in the ingredients now, shouldn’t there? But there isn’t! Not a trace! They just dye it orange and slap a label on it! There is nothing worse in the world than a junk purchase lying about what it contains. It’s just not right. It’s fall. This is the time for giving and all I’m asking for is a little break.

I get that Pumpkin Spice is mainly about the spice mixture that is added to pumpkin in order to give it a better flavor. This is what you do to it in order to call it edible but, that’s the thing, pumpkin is fucking disgusting! In no way, shape, or form should it be consumed by anyone. The sole purpose of a pumpkin is to rip it’s guts out and carve a face into it so we can point and laugh at someone other than that idiot next to us. It is an artistic medium of fuckery and that’s it. Nothing about it tastes good. The guts are inedible besides the seeds but even those are flat, tasteless sunflower seed rejects. If you added the spice mixture to those it might make you punch your grandmother in the tit. As far as pumpkin pie goes, it’s nothing but a bullying tactic from your great aunt Tilly to ruin a fantastic Thanksgiving meal. The only reason why you eat it every year is because this could possibly be Tilly’s last Thanksgiving but, guess what? That bitch just won’t fucking die! You end up eating that putrid mess every miserable year while she watches with a maniacal gleam in her eyes. That glob of pumpkin in a horribly misrepresented pie crust is just a mushy mass of dirt and she knows it.

I loathe any type of food that resembles the ground I walk on. (I’m looking at you too, mushrooms.) It doesn’t even look appetizing. It’s all just brown and lifeless. It lacks the enthusiasm that an apple or lemon meringue pie does. It just doesn’t care. A pumpkin pie just shows up whether or not it was invited. It reminds me of a backyard after a good rainstorm when the dog crap starts to spread itself into the earth. The shit part isn’t quite incorporated yet but you can feel its presence.

Even more than the shit-dirt resemblance, I loathe anything that falls in the category of mushy. All it ends up being is a lump of leafy dirt that somehow manages to be wet and dry at the same time. It’s mushy without really being mushy. It’s not like risotto; that good-for-nothing destruction of perfectly good rice. Risotto is an oozing smear of disappointment. It’s the confused cousin of rice whereas pumpkin is in a subcategory of mushy all its own. It’s the paste without kindergarten playtime or a mashed potato without exuberance. Pumpkin is the melancholy sweet potato. Why should it bother puffing itself up when it knows how useless it is? That dense, pasty shit-dirt is just a hopeless reminder of how terrible life can be.

Maybe that was Starbucks’ point…

If they slap a hopeless reality label on an uplifting product they can beat you down just enough while lifting you to a level of endless dependency with a smile. Pumpkin Spice is the dark side, but on the other side? Coffee! By the time you realize what you’ve just consumed you’re too jacked up to care. You see, it is not the Pumpkin Spice that draws you in but the delusion of overcoming something terrible by simply ignoring it for what it is.

Pumpkin Spice is a defense mechanism for societal obligations.

The pumpkin is lying to you…

I implore you, do not consume.