Tag Archives: Life Lessons

Hello Reality, It’s Me

A little over two weeks ago, I sprained my ankle. This is the fourth time that this has happened. I’m good at that, you know, but I swear there was a brisk breeze that tripped me up. Maybe I just love gravity so much that I like to test it out from time to time. Either way, this got me thinking about something… Well, it made a certain sentence pop into my head, actually…


If it weren’t for me, my life would be a breeze.


I know this sounds funny but there is more truth in that statement than I harbor in my entire skeletal structure. Everyday we go through even the most minuscule of struggles. Sometimes we can’t decide between spending the money on some much needed coffee or just pushing through the day. There’s the choice of attire, what to eat, how to speak, or whether or not a lesson in common sense is worth a jail sentence. The workplace stresses seem to usually take precedence for most of us but the personal struggles can be the most daunting. Through all of this the hardest realization to come to is when you find yourself holding your own leash and what makes that worse is finding your grip to be suffocating. Our own criticisms are the pitfalls in our lives that hold us back from really living. I know that you have heard this before as I have but it has never pulled a ligament quite like it has now. I can feel it now, from my ankle all the way to my bruised sense of self. It radiates through me like a menstrual cramp gone rampant. I want to scream and yell and cry, all while eating copious amounts of chocolate in between vast amounts of meat.


… There is a moment, though… A moment so enlightening that too much air fills the room… And it becomes hard to breathe…


I have put myself here…


I have kept myself here…


I am the one reason why my foot wants to go in a different direction than the rest of my leg. My ankle sprain is not a factor of clumsiness but a desperate plea for a change of direction. I have spent my life being mindful of my steps and limiting which path they take me on but every time I fall into routine, I find a pothole. Down on the ground I find that when I look up the path looks a bit obscured.


What if it has always been obscured and I have just been looking at it from the wrong angle?


I don’t believe that any of us are supposed to know who we truly are. We are a mystery even to ourselves because we are never meant to settle. There is a constant forward motion full of endless experiences that should not be left as the mystery. Don’t blame life as your misunderstanding. Grab onto it as a factor but not your synopsis. There is no definition of us. It is time to put down the dictionary and pick up the map.


But forget the compass… a sense of direction is not needed here. If the golf ball that lived on my ankle for a time taught me anything, it’s that you really can go two ways at once; your pain threshold just might not agree with it. The point of any struggle is to make it to the other side. We do not call upon the graceful at this time, however. We’ll make conquerors of us all in this moment of need and, yes, you will conquer as long as you keep breathing. For all my fellow Game of Thrones nerds out there, you do not have to be the Mother of Dragons to prove your conquering technique. Hell, I blew through a milkshake the other day like a fire-breathing lizard. I call that a victory, albeit minuscule…


Or maybe that was the celebration for living that day… Either way I handled that milkshake… Like a boss. (that’s a phrase the kids are using these days, right?)


Anyway, my point is this (if there actually ever is one), the most gargantuan dose of reality comes when you feel the true level of pain that you cause yourself. Do not look to anyone else for blaming placement. It is you and only you. Go outside and look at things sideways. You may find a labyrinth but that’s okay. As much as we love (and miss) David Bowie, he does not live in yours. I promise. Take a step to the left and proceed. This is where you find truth in your pain and begin to mend it.


And before you start, this is in no way referencing settling down in a relationship or career. A partner in crime is necessary at times and a career is a goal to be reached but striving for greatness in either requires no deadline. Your deathbed is where you can weigh out your accomplishments against your pitfalls and in that last breath you will see the end to the mystery. Besides, what’s life without a bit of intrigue? Why not be the thrill?


Now, if only I could find that pesky first aid kit I can begin with my own mending… Hey! I never said I knew exactly how to mend. For that you’ll have to seek advice from a healer. I tend to sprain things… Like my dignity.


But if you find out…


How Respect Can Change Your Life

(Warning: extremely vulgar language to follow. If you can’t handle it, the back button is sufficient escape. Dear father, I’m still your little girl but, yes, those words seemed necessary.)

A PSA from yours truly (because it’s a bit of fun):

Alright boys and girls. Today, we are going to talk about respect because if it’s good enough for Aretha Franklin to demand it then it sure as hell is good enough for the rest of us, right? Re-spect. That’s r-e-s-p-e-c-t. Does anyone know what that means? No? Well, that just fucking figures, doesn’t it? Those lazy, good-for-nothing parents of yours have failed you in your early life but that’s okay. I’m here to help. Now, preschool seemed like a good time to explain this to you because, let’s face it, you’re surrounded by strange and ignorant little shits that will grow up to be a smoldering pain in my ass if I don’t so, here goes.

Class, what do you think happens if a grown up tells you to “be quiet” and “pay attention?” What’s that, Timmy? It means to run around in circles while screaming obscenities and offering animal sacrifices to your demonic lord? Well, that’s not the case, Timmy. It means to sit down and shut your fucking mouth before that grown up makes your life a living hell. That’s another, secondary, lesson for you today, kids because us grown ups really can make your life a living hell and, as a collective, we are becoming increasingly impatient with the group of kids that are a little older than you are right now. So, if I were you, I’d get the motherfucking hint because your leash is quite a bit shorter than theirs. Now, one of the most important things you need to remember about this portion of our lesson is that if you don’t stop and listen every once in a while then someone will end up going medieval on your ass and, no matter how much you think you know, you’re still just a bunch of whining, ignorant pussies that don’t know the difference between an actual boyfriend or girlfriend and your left hand.

The second part of our lesson has to do with something called boundaries. Little Suzie over there knows what I’m talking about. Don’t you, Suzie? Stop trying to lick Allison’s face now and fucking listen, you little cunt! See, when Maggie’s mom decides to ask me who I’ve been deep-throating lately I can tell her to get the fuck off my shit and shut her fucking mouth because boun-da-ries should tell her that it’s none of her god damn business. Is it, kids? This, also, doesn’t give you any fucking right to stand unnecessarily close to anyone in any situation and deposit your shit-stained breathe on the back of their neck. Boundaries means to back the hell up, stop asking shit that you need to know nothing about, and removing your pathetic ass from my life if I have asked you, repeatedly, to do so. I’ll say it again, it’s called boun-da-ries.

Alex! Get your finger out of your ass and pay fucking attention! I don’t care if you’re five years old and have two hundred friends on Facebook! It doesn’t mean that any of those people give any fucks about what your asshole feels like or that you had waffles for breakfast!

Lastly, kids, there’s this little problem you seem to be having with other people’s possessions. This is a little bit like boundaries but I feel that it needs it’s own emphasis because all you little shitheads seem to think that everything belongs to you. Let me tell you a secret, children; absolutely nothing belongs to you unless you fucking earn it. If you work your ass off, you can receive damn near anything you want. Valuables and a positive reputation do not come from underneath your couch cushions. However, there are some things that will never belong to you because, simply put, IT IS SOMEONE ELSE’S PROPERTY! Get off your ass and get your own shit. If you borrow something from someone else then you should, not only, return it in pristine condition but, also, put it back in it’s proper place.

If you live a life that hands out respect with every exhale then you will inhale an equal amount. If you don’t shut the fuck up and listen, back the fuck off when necessary, and work your fucking hardest to earn your own possessions and your own way then you will live in a miserable shit storm of endless mockery, paper cuts, and Sriracha-lime juice enemas because fuck you. Life does not reward the fool. No matter who the person is right next to you or what they represent, remember that there is not a single bone in your body that warrants a self righteous, cocksucker attitude. Be it a teacher, parent, police officer, firefighter, or little Timmy who’s picking his nose again, you need to learn right now how living with a high level of respect can change your fucking miserable little existence, children.

Now, go the fuck home. Ms. Atina needs a whiskey-induced nap.